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The capital of Alaska is A

— Demetri Martin

Wednesday is spelled wrong.

— Demetri Martin

The other day I was thinking that I tend to overthink things. Then I thought, ‘do I, though?’

— Demetri Martin

I like sports bars, cause they collect all the people I don’t wanna hang out with and they put ’em all in one room.

— Demetri Martin

Sometimes when you make a job title sound more politically correct, it sounds worse. ‘Your father’s not a garbage man, he’s a garbage person.’

— Demetri Martin

Nearly one half of all Americans are torsos.

— Demetri Martin

About 75% of German shepherds are dogs.

— Demetri Martin

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue … and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

— Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

— Rita Rudner

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

— A. Whitney Brown

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times.

— Rita Rudner

Technology is anything invented after you were born.

— Alan Kay

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

— Rita Rudner

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

— Alfred Hitchcock

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

— Robert X. Cringely

Nothing is impossible. The word itself says “I’m Possible”.

— Audrey Hepburn

The good news is hopeful doesn’t mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn’t mean smart.

— Sarah Silverman

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

— Bill Watterson

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down”.

— Bob Newhart

Geography is God’s way of keeping us all from constantly being a mob.

— Scott Marquardt

Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.

— Bobcat Goldthwait

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

— Solomon Short

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…

— Brian Kiley

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

— Stephen Colbert

I’ve never understood log trucks. Sometimes you’ll be out on a highway, you’ll see two big giant trucks, each loaded up with logs and they pass each other on the highway. I don’t understand. I mean, if they need logs over there . . . and they need them over there . . . you’d think a phone call would save a whole lot of trouble . . .

— Brian Regan

Sugar Is Jesus’s Dandruff

— Stephen Colbert

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

— Charles M. Schulz

I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God — or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have or of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch — or a reasonable facsimile.

— Chuck Lorre

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.

— Steve Martin

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

— Dave Barry

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats…or skinny.

— Steve Martin

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

— Dave Barry

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

— Steve Martin

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

— Dave Barry

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language… Apache.

— Steve Martin

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there’s a man on base.

— Dave Barry

E-mail, which sends data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light, has replaced primitive forms of communication such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light.

— Steve Martin

Computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us)

— Dave Barry

They say I’m a horrible person, but that just isn’t true. I have the heart of a young boy…In a jar on my desk.

— Steven King

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

— Dave Barry

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

— Steven Wright

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

— Dave Barry

I was in a bookstore, and I started talking to a French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn’t read in two languages.

— Steven Wright

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

— Dave Barry

I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future – just way off to the side.

— Steven Wright

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that ‘the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.’ I could not have phrased it better myself.

— Dave Barry

I was wondering how my life would have been different if I’d been born one day earlier, and I thought maybe it wouldn’t be different at all, except that I’d have asked that question yesterday.

— Steven Wright

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

— Dave Barry

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

— Steven Wright

In the words of a very famous dead person, ‘A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

— Dave Barry

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

— Steven Wright

Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.

— Dave James

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

— Steven Wright

Every fight is a food fight, when you’re a cannibal.

— Demetri Martin

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

— Steven Wright

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

— Demetri Martin

I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, “Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.” I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, “E6”.

— Steven Wright

I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

— Demetri Martin

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… Perhaps you’ve seen it.

— Steven Wright

It should be rock, dynamite-with-a-cuttable-wick, scissors.

— Demetri Martin

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

— Steven Wright

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

— Demetri Martin

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

— Steven Wright

They say people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. How about nobody throw stones?

— Demetri Martin

You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had – so I got rid of everything.

— Steven Wright

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, “This is a pillow fight, ahead of time.”

— Demetri Martin

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

— Steven Wright

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

— Demetri Martin

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

— Steven Wright

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

— Demetri Martin

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

— Steven Wright

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

— Demetri Martin

My school colors were clear. I told everybody I’m not naked, I’m in the band.

— Steven Wright

I used to get bummed out when it rained. Then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.

— Demetri Martin

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

— Steven Wright

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it’s at least a little bit funny.

— Demetri Martin

I am getting an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.

— Steven Wright

I wanna design a video game where you’d have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

— Demetri Martin

I was driving down the road and I saw this hitchiker holding a sign that said “Heaven”…so I hit him. I pretty sure he went there, he looked nice.

— Steven Wright

I think they named oranges before they named carrots.

— Demetri Martin

I once went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $95.

— Steven Wright

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend – until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

— Demetri Martin

I was standing beside the coffin at a funeral home thinking about my flashlight and its batteries. Then I thought, “Maybe he’s not dead… Maybe he’s just in the wrong direction!”

— Steven Wright

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

— Demetri Martin

I think the end of the cold war is what started global warming.

— Steven Wright

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

— Demetri Martin

Why do Ballerinas stand on their tiptoes? Why don’t they just get taller women?

— Steven Wright

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it. I just added “ish” to every number.

— Demetri Martin

Bird angels have 4 wings.

— Steven Wright

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

— Demetri Martin

When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, “Don’t tell your Mother I’m giving you this.” I said, it’s gonna cost you more than that.

— Steven Wright

Saying I’m sorry is the same as saying I apologize; Except at a funeral.

— Demetri Martin

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

— Steven Wright

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.

— Demetri Martin

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

— Steven Wright

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

— Demetri Martin

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).

— Demetri Martin

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

— Steven Wright

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

— Demetri Martin

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

— Steven Wright

4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.

— Demetri Martin

The man who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

— Steven Wright

I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That’s like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

— Demetri Martin

The woman who lives next to me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said “give me all the money in the vault or I’ll mark down everything in the store.”

— Steven Wright

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said “made from natural and artificial flavors.” You could just say “flavors.”

— Demetri Martin

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don’t get it…

— Steven Wright

I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”

— Demetri Martin

I like to leave messages before the beep.

— Steven Wright

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

— Demetri Martin

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

— Steven Wright

Pets are animals that are not delicious.

— Demetri Martin

I wrote a few children’s books… Not on purpose.

— Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between killing a fly and applauding a fly.

— Demetri Martin

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

— Steven Wright

You can say ‘mind your own business’ or you can say ‘mind your own beeswax’. I think that’s the only time you can substitute ‘beeswax’ for ‘business’.

— Demetri Martin

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

— Steven Wright

The only good time to throw a hamster is when it’s out the window of a burning building.

— Demetri Martin

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

— Steven Wright

When I was in high school I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be on the debate team or not.

— Demetri Martin

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

— Steven Wright

Stuffed animals are cute unless they once lived.

— Demetri Martin

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

— Steven Wright

Sometimes instead of saying ‘for example’ I’ll say something such as ‘such as’, for example.

— Demetri Martin

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, “Day 1 – Still tired from the move. Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.”

— Steven Wright

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

— Dick Cavett

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

— Steven Wright

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

— Dick Clark

When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… Eventually.

— Steven Wright

Something tells me that they probably screwed up and named Murphy’s Law after the wrong guy.

— Doug Finney

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

— Steven Wright

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

— Doug Larson

On the other hand… You have different fingers.

— Steven Wright

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

— Douglas Adams

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “you have to put your two cents in?” Somebody’s making a penny.

— Steven Wright

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

— Douglas Adams

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

— Steven Wright

I think a nerd is a person who uses the telephone to talk to other people about telephones. And a computer nerd therefore is somebody who uses a computer in order to use a computer.

— Douglas Adams

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

— Steven Wright

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

— Douglas Adams

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.

— Steven Wright

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

— Douglas Adams

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

— Steven Wright

Let’s think the unthinkable, let’s do the undoable, let’s prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.

— Douglas Adams

What’s another word for thesaurus?

— Steven Wright

The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.

— Douglas Adams

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up.

— Steven Wright

Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds.

— Douglas Adams

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

— Steven Wright

It is not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

— Douglas Adams

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

— Steven Wright

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

— Douglas Adams

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

— Steven Wright

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the phrase, ‘as pretty as an airport.’

— Douglas Adams

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can’t tell…except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.

— Steven Wright

The hotel shop only had two decent books, and I’d written both of them.

— Douglas Adams

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it…

— Steven Wright

Mozart tells us what it’s like to be human, Beethoven tells us what it’s like to be Beethoven and Bach tells us what it’s like to be the universe.

— Douglas Adams

A while ago I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table having a furious argument over what I considered an odd number.

— Steven Wright

The World Wide Web is the only thing I know of whose shortened form “www” takes three times longer to say than what it’s short for.

— Douglas Adams

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

— Steven Wright

The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.

— Douglas Adams

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

— Steven Wright

One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem involved in becoming your own father or mother that a broadminded and well-adjusted family can’t cope with.

— Douglas Adams

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and………..ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…

— Steven Wright

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a nonworking cat.

— Douglas Adams

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

— Steven Wright

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

— Douglas Adams

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

— Steven Wright

We don’t have to save the world. The world is big enough to look after itself. What we have to be concerned about is whether or not the world we live in will be capable of sustaining us in it.

— Douglas Adams

I wish the first word I had said when I was born was ‘quote.’ Then before I die, I could say, ‘unquote.’

— Steven Wright

Football isn’t a contact sport, it’s a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.

— Duffy Daugherty

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

— Steven Wright

I have great faith in fools–self-confidence my friends call it.

— Edgar Allan Poe

I’m part of the Jehovah’s Witness protection program. I have to go door to door and tell everybody I’m someone else.

— Steven Wright

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

— Elayne Boosler

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn’t first place.

— Steven Wright

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

— Ellen DeGeneres

Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I’m unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious.

— Steven Wright

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

— Ellen DeGeneres

In school they told me practice makes perfect, and then they told me nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing.

— Steven Wright

Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, dont put it off.

— Ellen DeGeneres

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

— Steven Wright

My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat, but somehow she’s sneakin’ out at night. ‘Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw… I wouldn’t have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, “Hey, what’s that on you paw?”

— Ellen DeGeneres

I bought an iPod. It can hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother.

— Steven Wright

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

— Emo Philips

They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.

— Steven Wright

Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?

— Emo Philips

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

— Steven Wright

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

— Emo Philips

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

— Steven Wright

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

— Emo Philips

Dennis was a friend of mine. He was killed breaking a wish bone. Nobody knows if it was an accident or a suicide. They didn’t know what he was wishing for.

— Steven Wright

I picked up this hitchhiker once. Well, you gotta when you hit ’em.

— Emo Philips

Like my daddy used to say – if worse comes to worst, we’re screwed.

— Steven Wright

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes evetually. If they die without Christ.

— Emo Philips

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

— Steven Wright

My cousin died, age 19. Stung by a bee – the natural enemy of the tight-rope walker.

— Emo Philips

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

— Steven Wright

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

— Emo Philips

Is “tired old cliche” one?

— Steven Wright

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.

— Emo Philips

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

— Steven Wright

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

— Emo Philips

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

— Steven Wright

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

— Emo Philips

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

— Steven Wright

My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.

— Emo Philips

Why do writers write? Because it isn’t there.

— Thomas Berger

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

— Emo Philips

When I can’t think of something to write, I often don’t write anything. And then I pretend it’s a style.

— Tim Minear

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

— Emo Philips

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.

— Tom Lehrer

I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ’em rolling in the aisles.

— Emo Philips

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation.

— Tom Stoppard

I was staying in Florida at a motel called The Three Palms, run by an older couple, one of whom was missing a hand.

— Emo Philips

There’s no place like 127.0.0.1

— Unknown

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

— Emo Philips

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

— Unknown

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.

— Emo Philips

What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?

— Unknown

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.

— Emo Philips

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

— Emo Philips

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.

— Unknown

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

— Emo Philips

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

— Unknown

The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone’s garbage, so I made him a real nice racoon costume.

— Emo Philips

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

— Unknown

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed that they’re just as scared of me.

— Emo Philips

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

— Unknown

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

— Emo Philips

Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force. 1990-1951

— Unknown

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

— Emo Philips

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

— Unknown

You know what I hate? Indian givers…no, I take that back.

— Emo Philips

The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.

— Unknown

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

— Emo Philips

Stop anthropomorphizing things. They don’t like it.

— Unknown

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

— Emo Philips

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

— Will Rogers

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

— Emo Philips

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

— Winston Churchill

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

— Emo Philips

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

— Winston Churchill

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

— Emo Philips

I am at two with nature.

— Woody Allen

People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”

— Emo Philips

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

— Woody Allen

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

— Emo Philips

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

— Woody Allen

I used to think that the human brain was the single most fascinating thing in the universe. Then I realized what was telling me that.

— Emo Philips

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

— Woody Allen

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

— Emo Philips

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

— Woody Allen

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

— Emo Philips

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.

— Woody Allen

I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

— Emo Philips

I’m a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

I like to play chess with old men in the park. (The tough part: finding 32 of them.)

— Emo Philips

The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert’s Symphony #9.

— Erwin Dietrich

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.

— Eugene McCarthy

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

— Evan Davis

It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.

— Gary Larson

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry”

— Gary Larson

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.

— Georg Hegel

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

— George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

— George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done”

— George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

— George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

— George Carlin

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

— George Carlin

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

— George Carlin

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

— George Carlin

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

— George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

— George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

— George Carlin

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said “Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?”

— Gilbert Gottfried

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

— Groucho Marx

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

— Henry J. Tillman

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

— Issac Asimov

Never understood why theaters or clubs say ‘seating is limited.’ Where is seating infinite?

— J. Michael Straczynski

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

— Jack Handey

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

— Jack Handey

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

— Jack Handey

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

— Jack Handey

I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

— Jack Handey

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

— Jack Handey

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home, his face might burn up.

— Jack Handey

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

— Jack Handey

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

— Jack Handey

If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh; and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

— Jack Handey

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

— Jack Handey

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

— Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

— Jack Handey

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

— Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

— Jack Handey

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

— Jack Handey

There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you’d hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer’s house.

— Jack Handey

I thought a good way to get people to dig your flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here’s the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.

— Jack Handey

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

— Jack Handey

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and Superman away.

— Jack Handey

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

— Jack Handey

Too bad you can’t get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out.

— Jack Handey

My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

— Jack Handey

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.

— Jack Handey

If trees could scream do you think we would be so cavalier as to cutting them down? Maybe, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

— Jack Handey

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

— Jack Handey

It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man, and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing.

— Jack Handey

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

— Jack Handey

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

— Jack Handey

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

— Jack Handey

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong though. It’s Hambone.

— Jack Handey

Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.

— Jack Handey

If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

— Jack Handey

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”

— Jack Handey

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

— Jack Handey

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

— Jack Handey

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist fears this is true.

— James Branch Cabell

There are 3 things that I can’t stand: hatred, bigotry and midgets.

— James Gregory

I’d probably be famous now if I wasn’t such a good waitress.

— Jane Siberry

All my life I said I wanted to be someone…I can see now that I should have been more specific.

— Jane Wagner

There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.

— Jeremy S. Anderson

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

— John Kenneth Galbraith

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

— Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.

— Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

— Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

— Johnny Carson

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

— Johnny Carson

I celebrate Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.

— Jon Stewart

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

— Joss Whedon

I also don’t trust Caribou anymore. They’re out there, on the tundra, waiting… Something’s going down. I’m right about this.

— Joss Whedon

If I had created reality television I would have had a much greater influence, but then I would have had to KILL MYSELF.

— Joss Whedon

I set out in television with one simple goal: to purchase a Russian bride. Didn’t work out. Immigration stuff — it’s complicated.

— Joss Whedon

I’m not a control freak – I’m a control enthusiast.

— Joss Whedon

The two things that matter the most to me: emotional resonance and rocket launchers. Party of Five, a brilliant show, and often made me cry uncontrollably, suffered ultimately from a lack of rocket launchers.

— Joss Whedon

No one’s going to go see the story of Othello going to get a peaceful divorce.

— Joss Whedon

I’d rather make a show 100 people need to see, than a show that 1000 people want to see.

— Joss Whedon

All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn’t your pet — it’s your kid. It grows up and talks back to you.

— Joss Whedon

They can take everything away from me, but they can never take my pride, unless I somehow get some.

— Joss Whedon

If lovin’ you’s wrong I don’t wanna be right but I usually am so I probably don’t.

— Joss Whedon

Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.

— Keith Bostic

I always bring my kids vacation souvenirs printed in Comic Sans, so they know I love them but not unconditionally.

— Ken Jennings

I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister’s house and ask her for money.

— Kevin Meaney

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive; they would eventually find me attractive.

— Kyle_Kramer23

So why can’t I get a student discount on my *tuition*?

— Lisa Fletcher

Did you ever get an itch on the roof of your mouth that only a gun barrel would scratch?

— Lord Carrett

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.

— Lynda Montgomery

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

— Mario Andretti

Never let your schooling interfere with your education.

— Mark Twain

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

— Matt Groening

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

— Mike Myers

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

— Milton Berle

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Severed foot is an ultimate stocking stuffer.

— Mitch Hedberg

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I am going to put pins into all the locations I have traveled to. But first I will have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

— Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

— Mitch Hedberg

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.

— Mitch Hedberg

You know they call corn-on-the-cob “corn-on-the-cob” right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn-off-the-cob.” It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm “Mitch.” But then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.”

— Mitch Hedberg

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry.” So it died.

— Mitch Hedberg

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

— Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what they were.

— Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

— Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

— Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

— Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

— Mitch Hedberg

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. “Look at that dead guy. Let’s go that way.”

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!

— Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

— Mitch Hedberg

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

— Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

— Mitch Hedberg

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’

— Paula Poundstone

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.

— Paula Poundstone

I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

— pax (IRC user)

Thank you for calling SeaWorld. Your call may be recorded for training porpoises.

— Peter Serafinowicz

Tauntaun is a tautonym.

— Phil Plait

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

— PJ O’Rourke

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

— Redd Foxx

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

— Rita Rudner

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

— Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

— Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

— Rita Rudner

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

— Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

— Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

— Rita Rudner

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

— Rita Rudner
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