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The Munificent Musings Of A Maniacal Mammal
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The capital of Alaska is A

— Demetri Martin

Wednesday is spelled wrong.

— Demetri Martin

The other day I was thinking that I tend to overthink things. Then I thought, ‘do I, though?’

— Demetri Martin

I like sports bars, cause they collect all the people I don’t wanna hang out with and they put ’em all in one room.

— Demetri Martin

Sometimes when you make a job title sound more politically correct, it sounds worse. ‘Your father’s not a garbage man, he’s a garbage person.’

— Demetri Martin

Nearly one half of all Americans are torsos.

— Demetri Martin

About 75% of German shepherds are dogs.

— Demetri Martin

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue … and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

— Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

— Rita Rudner

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

— A. Whitney Brown

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times.

— Rita Rudner

Technology is anything invented after you were born.

— Alan Kay

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

— Rita Rudner

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

— Alfred Hitchcock

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

— Robert X. Cringely

Nothing is impossible. The word itself says “I’m Possible”.

— Audrey Hepburn

The good news is hopeful doesn’t mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn’t mean smart.

— Sarah Silverman

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

— Bill Watterson

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down”.

— Bob Newhart

Geography is God’s way of keeping us all from constantly being a mob.

— Scott Marquardt

Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.

— Bobcat Goldthwait

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

— Solomon Short

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…

— Brian Kiley

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

— Stephen Colbert

I’ve never understood log trucks. Sometimes you’ll be out on a highway, you’ll see two big giant trucks, each loaded up with logs and they pass each other on the highway. I don’t understand. I mean, if they need logs over there . . . and they need them over there . . . you’d think a phone call would save a whole lot of trouble . . .

— Brian Regan

Sugar Is Jesus’s Dandruff

— Stephen Colbert

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

— Charles M. Schulz

I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God — or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have or of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch — or a reasonable facsimile.

— Chuck Lorre

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.

— Steve Martin

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

— Dave Barry
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