The capital of Alaska is A
Wednesday is spelled wrong.
The other day I was thinking that I tend to overthink things. Then I thought, ‘do I, though?’
I like sports bars, cause they collect all the people I don’t wanna hang out with and they put ’em all in one room.
Sometimes when you make a job title sound more politically correct, it sounds worse. ‘Your father’s not a garbage man, he’s a garbage person.’
Nearly one half of all Americans are torsos.
About 75% of German shepherds are dogs.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue … and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times.
Technology is anything invented after you were born.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Nothing is impossible. The word itself says “I’m Possible”.
The good news is hopeful doesn’t mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn’t mean smart.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down”.
Geography is God’s way of keeping us all from constantly being a mob.
Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
I’ve never understood log trucks. Sometimes you’ll be out on a highway, you’ll see two big giant trucks, each loaded up with logs and they pass each other on the highway. I don’t understand. I mean, if they need logs over there . . . and they need them over there . . . you’d think a phone call would save a whole lot of trouble . . .
Sugar Is Jesus’s Dandruff
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God — or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have or of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch — or a reasonable facsimile.
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.