The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
The first time I ever saw a jet, I shot it down.
The capital of Alaska is A
Wednesday is spelled wrong.
The other day I was thinking that I tend to overthink things. Then I thought, ‘do I, though?’
I like sports bars, cause they collect all the people I don’t wanna hang out with and they put ’em all in one room.
Sometimes when you make a job title sound more politically correct, it sounds worse. ‘Your father’s not a garbage man, he’s a garbage person.’
Nearly one half of all Americans are torsos.
About 75% of German shepherds are dogs.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue … and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times.
Technology is anything invented after you were born.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Nothing is impossible. The word itself says “I’m Possible”.
The good news is hopeful doesn’t mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn’t mean smart.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down”.
Geography is God’s way of keeping us all from constantly being a mob.
Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
I’ve never understood log trucks. Sometimes you’ll be out on a highway, you’ll see two big giant trucks, each loaded up with logs and they pass each other on the highway. I don’t understand. I mean, if they need logs over there . . . and they need them over there . . . you’d think a phone call would save a whole lot of trouble . . .
Sugar Is Jesus’s Dandruff
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God — or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have or of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch — or a reasonable facsimile.
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats…or skinny.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language… Apache.
The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there’s a man on base.
E-mail, which sends data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light, has replaced primitive forms of communication such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light.
Computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us)
They say I’m a horrible person, but that just isn’t true. I have the heart of a young boy…In a jar on my desk.
DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
I was in a bookstore, and I started talking to a French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn’t read in two languages.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future – just way off to the side.
I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that ‘the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.’ I could not have phrased it better myself.
I was wondering how my life would have been different if I’d been born one day earlier, and I thought maybe it wouldn’t be different at all, except that I’d have asked that question yesterday.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
In the words of a very famous dead person, ‘A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
Every fight is a food fight, when you’re a cannibal.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, “Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.” I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, “E6”.
I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… Perhaps you’ve seen it.
It should be rock, dynamite-with-a-cuttable-wick, scissors.
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
They say people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. How about nobody throw stones?
You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had – so I got rid of everything.
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, “This is a pillow fight, ahead of time.”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.
My school colors were clear. I told everybody I’m not naked, I’m in the band.
I used to get bummed out when it rained. Then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it’s at least a little bit funny.
I am getting an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.
I wanna design a video game where you’d have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
I was driving down the road and I saw this hitchiker holding a sign that said “Heaven”…so I hit him. I pretty sure he went there, he looked nice.
I think they named oranges before they named carrots.
I once went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $95.
A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend – until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.
I was standing beside the coffin at a funeral home thinking about my flashlight and its batteries. Then I thought, “Maybe he’s not dead… Maybe he’s just in the wrong direction!”
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.
I think the end of the cold war is what started global warming.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Why do Ballerinas stand on their tiptoes? Why don’t they just get taller women?
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it. I just added “ish” to every number.
Bird angels have 4 wings.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, “Don’t tell your Mother I’m giving you this.” I said, it’s gonna cost you more than that.
Saying I’m sorry is the same as saying I apologize; Except at a funeral.
I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.
The man who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That’s like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
The woman who lives next to me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said “give me all the money in the vault or I’ll mark down everything in the store.”
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said “made from natural and artificial flavors.” You could just say “flavors.”
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don’t get it…
I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”
I like to leave messages before the beep.
I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Pets are animals that are not delicious.
I wrote a few children’s books… Not on purpose.
There’s a fine line between killing a fly and applauding a fly.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
You can say ‘mind your own business’ or you can say ‘mind your own beeswax’. I think that’s the only time you can substitute ‘beeswax’ for ‘business’.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The only good time to throw a hamster is when it’s out the window of a burning building.
I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
When I was in high school I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be on the debate team or not.
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
Stuffed animals are cute unless they once lived.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Sometimes instead of saying ‘for example’ I’ll say something such as ‘such as’, for example.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, “Day 1 – Still tired from the move. Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.”
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… Eventually.
Something tells me that they probably screwed up and named Murphy’s Law after the wrong guy.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
On the other hand… You have different fingers.
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “you have to put your two cents in?” Somebody’s making a penny.
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I think a nerd is a person who uses the telephone to talk to other people about telephones. And a computer nerd therefore is somebody who uses a computer in order to use a computer.
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Let’s think the unthinkable, let’s do the undoable, let’s prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.
What’s another word for thesaurus?
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.
Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up.
Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
It is not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the phrase, ‘as pretty as an airport.’
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can’t tell…except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
The hotel shop only had two decent books, and I’d written both of them.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it…
Mozart tells us what it’s like to be human, Beethoven tells us what it’s like to be Beethoven and Bach tells us what it’s like to be the universe.
A while ago I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table having a furious argument over what I considered an odd number.
The World Wide Web is the only thing I know of whose shortened form “www” takes three times longer to say than what it’s short for.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem involved in becoming your own father or mother that a broadminded and well-adjusted family can’t cope with.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and………..ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a nonworking cat.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
We don’t have to save the world. The world is big enough to look after itself. What we have to be concerned about is whether or not the world we live in will be capable of sustaining us in it.
I wish the first word I had said when I was born was ‘quote.’ Then before I die, I could say, ‘unquote.’
Football isn’t a contact sport, it’s a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I have great faith in fools–self-confidence my friends call it.
I’m part of the Jehovah’s Witness protection program. I have to go door to door and tell everybody I’m someone else.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn’t first place.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I’m unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
In school they told me practice makes perfect, and then they told me nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing.
Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, dont put it off.
Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?
My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat, but somehow she’s sneakin’ out at night. ‘Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw… I wouldn’t have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, “Hey, what’s that on you paw?”
I bought an iPod. It can hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.
Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.
Dennis was a friend of mine. He was killed breaking a wish bone. Nobody knows if it was an accident or a suicide. They didn’t know what he was wishing for.
I picked up this hitchhiker once. Well, you gotta when you hit ’em.
Like my daddy used to say – if worse comes to worst, we’re screwed.
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes evetually. If they die without Christ.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
My cousin died, age 19. Stung by a bee – the natural enemy of the tight-rope walker.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
Is “tired old cliche” one?
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.
Why do writers write? Because it isn’t there.
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
When I can’t think of something to write, I often don’t write anything. And then I pretend it’s a style.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ’em rolling in the aisles.
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation.
I was staying in Florida at a motel called The Three Palms, run by an older couple, one of whom was missing a hand.
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1
They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.
What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone’s garbage, so I made him a real nice racoon costume.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed that they’re just as scared of me.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force. 1990-1951
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
You know what I hate? Indian givers…no, I take that back.
The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Stop anthropomorphizing things. They don’t like it.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
I am at two with nature.
People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
I used to think that the human brain was the single most fascinating thing in the universe. Then I realized what was telling me that.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
I’m a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.
I like to play chess with old men in the park. (The tough part: finding 32 of them.)
The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert’s Symphony #9.
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry”
We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said “Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?”
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Never understood why theaters or clubs say ‘seating is limited.’ Where is seating infinite?
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home, his face might burn up.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh; and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you’d hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer’s house.
I thought a good way to get people to dig your flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here’s the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.
If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and Superman away.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Too bad you can’t get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out.
My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.
If trees could scream do you think we would be so cavalier as to cutting them down? Maybe, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man, and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong though. It’s Hambone.
Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist fears this is true.
There are 3 things that I can’t stand: hatred, bigotry and midgets.
I’d probably be famous now if I wasn’t such a good waitress.
All my life I said I wanted to be someone…I can see now that I should have been more specific.
There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
I celebrate Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
I also don’t trust Caribou anymore. They’re out there, on the tundra, waiting… Something’s going down. I’m right about this.
If I had created reality television I would have had a much greater influence, but then I would have had to KILL MYSELF.
I set out in television with one simple goal: to purchase a Russian bride. Didn’t work out. Immigration stuff — it’s complicated.
I’m not a control freak – I’m a control enthusiast.
The two things that matter the most to me: emotional resonance and rocket launchers. Party of Five, a brilliant show, and often made me cry uncontrollably, suffered ultimately from a lack of rocket launchers.
No one’s going to go see the story of Othello going to get a peaceful divorce.
I’d rather make a show 100 people need to see, than a show that 1000 people want to see.
All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn’t your pet — it’s your kid. It grows up and talks back to you.
They can take everything away from me, but they can never take my pride, unless I somehow get some.
If lovin’ you’s wrong I don’t wanna be right but I usually am so I probably don’t.
Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.
I always bring my kids vacation souvenirs printed in Comic Sans, so they know I love them but not unconditionally.
I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister’s house and ask her for money.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive; they would eventually find me attractive.
So why can’t I get a student discount on my *tuition*?
Did you ever get an itch on the roof of your mouth that only a gun barrel would scratch?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
Severed foot is an ultimate stocking stuffer.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I am going to put pins into all the locations I have traveled to. But first I will have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob “corn-on-the-cob” right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn-off-the-cob.” It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm “Mitch.” But then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.”
I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry.” So it died.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what they were.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. “Look at that dead guy. Let’s go that way.”
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.
I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.
Thank you for calling SeaWorld. Your call may be recorded for training porpoises.
Tauntaun is a tautonym.
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.