This is a list of all the quotes I've collected over time (for a fair number of years). I know there's a problem with the drop down selection box containing more than it should. I'm trying to tweak it so it lists only the people who have quotes attributed to them on this site, but for the moment it's listing every person that has any kind of content linked to them on this site. You can, however, click the name of the person on a quote to get a list of just the quotes by them.
| Quote | Person | Added | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|
|
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown. |
Demetri Martin | 41 weeks 6 days ago | ||
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Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral. |
Demetri Martin | 41 weeks 6 days ago | ||
| I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it. I just added "ish" to every number. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I think they named oranges before they named carrots. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| A mobile home with a flat tire is a home. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. How about nobody throw stones? | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, "This is a pillow fight, ahead of time." | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey? | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I used to get bummed out when it rained. Then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Every fight is a food fight, when you're a cannibal. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| It should be rock, dynamite-with-a-cuttable-wick, scissors. | Demetri Martin | 51 weeks 4 days ago |