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Quotes For Demetri Martin

This is a list of all the quotes I've collected over time (for a fair number of years).

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Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.

Demetri Martin 1 year 14 weeks ago

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.

Demetri Martin 1 year 14 weeks ago
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it. I just added "ish" to every number. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. How about nobody throw stones? Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, "This is a pillow fight, ahead of time." Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey? Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
I used to get bummed out when it rained. Then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
Every fight is a food fight, when you're a cannibal. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago
It should be rock, dynamite-with-a-cuttable-wick, scissors. Demetri Martin 1 year 24 weeks ago