This is a list of all the quotes I've collected over time (for a fair number of years).
| Quote | Person |
Added |
||
|---|---|---|---|---|
|
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown. |
Demetri Martin | 1 year 14 weeks ago | ||
|
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral. |
Demetri Martin | 1 year 14 weeks ago | ||
| I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it. I just added "ish" to every number. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I think they named oranges before they named carrots. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| A mobile home with a flat tire is a home. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. How about nobody throw stones? | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, "This is a pillow fight, ahead of time." | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey? | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I used to get bummed out when it rained. Then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Every fight is a food fight, when you're a cannibal. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| It should be rock, dynamite-with-a-cuttable-wick, scissors. | Demetri Martin | 1 year 24 weeks ago |