This is a list of all the quotes I've collected over time (for a fair number of years). I know there's a problem with the drop down selection box containing more than it should. I'm trying to tweak it so it lists only the people who have quotes attributed to them on this site, but for the moment it's listing every person that has any kind of content linked to them on this site. You can, however, click the name of the person on a quote to get a list of just the quotes by them.
| Quote | Person | Added | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| If trees could scream do you think we would be so cavalier as to cutting them down? Maybe if they screamed all the time for no good reason. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Too bad you can't get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I thought a good way to get people to dig your flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here's the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and Superman away. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago | ||
| I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? | Jack Handey | 51 weeks 4 days ago |