This is a list of all the quotes I've collected over time (for a fair number of years). I know there's a problem with the drop down selection box containing more than it should. I'm trying to tweak it so it lists only the people who have quotes attributed to them on this site, but for the moment it's listing every person that has any kind of content linked to them on this site. You can, however, click the name of the person on a quote to get a list of just the quotes by them.
| Quote | Person | Added | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
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Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. |
Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I used to think that the human brain was the single most fascinating thing in the universe. Then I realized what was telling me that. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone's garbage, so I made him a real nice racoon costume. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed that they're just as scared of me. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that". | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic". | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was staying in Florida at a motel called The Three Palms, run by an older couple, one of whom was missing a hand. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That's a stupid nick-name. I'm mean my Aunt Bessie. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had 'em rolling in the aisles. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless - if I'm ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs? | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes evetually. If they die without Christ. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| My cousin died, age 19. Stung by a bee - the natural enemy of the tight-rope walker. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I picked up this hitchhiker once. Well, you gotta when you hit 'em. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before". | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. | Emo Philips | 51 weeks 2 days ago |