This is a list of all the quotes I've collected over time (for a fair number of years).
| Quote | Person |
Added |
||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. | Steven Wright | 48 weeks 19 hours ago | ||
| My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. | Steven Wright | 48 weeks 19 hours ago | ||
| I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". | Steven Wright | 48 weeks 19 hours ago | ||
| Is "tired old cliche" one? | Steven Wright | 48 weeks 20 hours ago | ||
| I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. | Steven Wright | 48 weeks 20 hours ago | ||
| When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. | Steven Wright | 48 weeks 20 hours ago | ||
| I bought an iPod. It can hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Dennis was a friend of mine. He was killed breaking a wish bone. Nobody knows if it was an accident or a suicide. They didn't know what he was wishing for. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Like my daddy used to say - if worse comes to worst, we're screwed. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
|
I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I have to go door to door and tell everybody I'm someone else. |
Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| In school they told me practice makes perfect, and then they told me nobody's perfect, so then I stopped practicing. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Why are the pictures square if the lens is round? | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better... | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I wish the first word I had said when I was born was 'quote.' Then before I die, I could say, 'unquote.' | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it... | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| A while ago I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table having a furious argument over what I considered an odd number. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| On the other hand... You have different fingers. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| What's another word for thesaurus? | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| What's another word for Thesaurus? | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| The man who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| The woman who lives next to me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said "give me all the money in the vault or I'll mark down everything in the store." | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I like to leave messages before the beep. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, "Don't tell your Mother I'm giving you this." I said, it's gonna cost you more than that. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| My school colors were clear. I told everybody I'm not naked, I'm in the band. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I am getting an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I was driving down the road and I saw this hitchiker holding a sign that said "Heaven"...so I hit him. I pretty sure he went there, he looked nice. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I once went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $95. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I was standing beside the coffin at a funeral home thinking about my flashlight and its batteries. Then I thought, "Maybe he's not dead... Maybe he's just in the wrong direction!" | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I think the end of the cold war is what started global warming. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Why do Ballerinas stand on their tiptoes? Why don't they just get taller women? | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Bird angels have 4 wings. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| You don't know what you've got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had - so I got rid of everything. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I like to reminisce with people I don't know. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I like to skate on the other side of the ice. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I was in a bookstore, and I started talking to a French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn't read in two languages. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future - just way off to the side. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago | ||
| I was wondering how my life would have been different if I'd been born one day earlier, and I thought maybe it wouldn't be different at all, except that I'd have asked that question yesterday. | Steven Wright | 1 year 24 weeks ago |