This is a list of all the quotes I've collected over time (for a fair number of years). I know there's a problem with the drop down selection box containing more than it should. I'm trying to tweak it so it lists only the people who have quotes attributed to them on this site, but for the moment it's listing every person that has any kind of content linked to them on this site. You can, however, click the name of the person on a quote to get a list of just the quotes by them.
| Quote | Person | Added | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. | Steven Wright | 22 weeks 5 days ago | ||
| My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. | Steven Wright | 22 weeks 5 days ago | ||
| I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". | Steven Wright | 22 weeks 5 days ago | ||
| Is "tired old cliche" one? | Steven Wright | 22 weeks 5 days ago | ||
| I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. | Steven Wright | 22 weeks 5 days ago | ||
| When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. | Steven Wright | 22 weeks 5 days ago | ||
| I bought an iPod. It can hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Dennis was a friend of mine. He was killed breaking a wish bone. Nobody knows if it was an accident or a suicide. They didn't know what he was wishing for. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Like my daddy used to say - if worse comes to worst, we're screwed. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
|
I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I have to go door to door and tell everybody I'm someone else. |
Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| In school they told me practice makes perfect, and then they told me nobody's perfect, so then I stopped practicing. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Why are the pictures square if the lens is round? | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better... | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I wish the first word I had said when I was born was 'quote.' Then before I die, I could say, 'unquote.' | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it... | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| A while ago I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table having a furious argument over what I considered an odd number. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| On the other hand... You have different fingers. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| What's another word for thesaurus? | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| What's another word for Thesaurus? | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| The man who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| The woman who lives next to me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said "give me all the money in the vault or I'll mark down everything in the store." | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I like to leave messages before the beep. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, "Don't tell your Mother I'm giving you this." I said, it's gonna cost you more than that. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| My school colors were clear. I told everybody I'm not naked, I'm in the band. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I am getting an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was driving down the road and I saw this hitchiker holding a sign that said "Heaven"...so I hit him. I pretty sure he went there, he looked nice. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I once went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $95. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was standing beside the coffin at a funeral home thinking about my flashlight and its batteries. Then I thought, "Maybe he's not dead... Maybe he's just in the wrong direction!" | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I think the end of the cold war is what started global warming. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Why do Ballerinas stand on their tiptoes? Why don't they just get taller women? | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Bird angels have 4 wings. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| You don't know what you've got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had - so I got rid of everything. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I like to reminisce with people I don't know. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I like to skate on the other side of the ice. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was in a bookstore, and I started talking to a French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn't read in two languages. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future - just way off to the side. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago | ||
| I was wondering how my life would have been different if I'd been born one day earlier, and I thought maybe it wouldn't be different at all, except that I'd have asked that question yesterday. | Steven Wright | 51 weeks 2 days ago |